". . . . ticking away . . . . "

". . . ticking away, the moments that make up a dull day . . . . You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way . . . you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking . . . . and waiting around, it comes up behind you again . . . the the sun is the same in a relative way but your older and shorter of breath and one day closer to death . . . "

(Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon)

So - Mothers Day 2012 has now passed and I am working 68 plus hours a week and have one day off (Saturday) to kinda plan on what I was going to do for Laura on this her first Mother's Day and what I could "encourage" or help Jacob, Hannah and Knoah do for their Mom. Which means, for anyone that knows me . . . . I am a bit stressed! I feel like I have been "chasing" the sun and . . . well . . he / she is winning! Not "winning" like Charlie Sheen was but . . . really, "winning".

I have had to cram a lot of "thought" into what I wanted to do for Mother's Day in a short amount of time and sadly . . . I will be working on Sunday but . . . that does not mean I can't be thoughtful, right? So - Laura was a great help and decided that she knew what she wanted (which to be fair is actually cooler than what I thought about getting her) so I got her a case for her newest toy (an iPhone) with a photo of Ethan and Snickers (see below) on it from Easter. I also know that I will make her breakfast and deliver it in bed with fresh flowers.

I am going to help Jacob, Hannah and Knoah put together a photo montage for their Mom and want to make sure that I encourage them to be "extra nice" to her on Mother's Day.

So . . . what have I been up to? I feel like after the last couple of blogs that I have kinda veered into being a bit of a cry baby when . . . nothing could be further from the truth. I am really enjoying myself right now.

I have an audition coming up with a band that plays my kinda music . . . . . which is to say . . . blues rock. I am not counting my chickens before they hatch but I am really excited about this. In talking with the guitar player it's kinda funny that he and I have not crossed paths in life at some point. Although he is a few years younger than me (three to be exact) he grew up in one of the most wonderful towns in America . . . . yep, Monroe! We are looking at some really cool music (OK, if your an old cat that digs BB King, Albert King, the Black Crowes and the likes of folks like that . . . you would dig it). Anyhow . . . keep your fingers crossed . . . . :-)

Since . . . . nearly forever . . . I have not been feeling all that great so a couple of weeks ago we went to the Blissfield train days and in walking around I became pretty winded and made the kids a promise that I would go to the doctors. Well . . . I kept my promise and found out that I actually have had pneumonia for a while which is not really all that wonderful. They gave me some antibiotics for it, a bunch of shots and did some blood work, EKG, chest x-ray and some other poking and prodding. I felt pretty good for a couple of days but have seemed to go back to where I was. I am planning on calling a doctor soon and will find out what is up. I know I should be a bit more worried because of the symptoms but . . . . to be fair . . . . I am just not that stressed about it, ya know.

Summer is coming and I have been looking at how can I spend as much time doing things that I really . . . . enjoy and at the same time . . . work to make the money I need. I have concluded that while this isn't possible I will still try! I am going to take several "long weekends" so that I can spend time with the Jacob, Hannah and Knoah and the Ethan-ator with me all day! This will be really helpful for me on so many levels.

I have already started planting some flowers in pots (as I do every year) and they are starting to sprout which makes me really happy . . . I have always loved planting flowers and taking care of the yard. In the course of my adult life one of my biggest "man prides" was a pond a pond that we once had that had fish and flowers all around it . . . vines growing and flowers blooming with a fountain and fish . . . . it was way cool! We have a ton of flowers starting to come up around the house and I still have a more seeds that I want to get into the ground . . . I am really looking forward to seeing things bloom.

Hannah's dance was awesome and very sad at the same time. My daughter is growing up and this is . . . . . so sad for me. Jacob asked me if I would go with him on his class trip to Cedar Point in June and I am trying to get the money together to take him. He is going to go with me in June when I got to Chicago for five days for a conference. Both he and I are really excited about this.

Ethan had his nine month doctors appointment and continues to do "amazing". He is standing and (honestly) trying to take a step. He has already said his first word . . . yep, "da da". He is now eating more "human food" and is in the 95% in all of his development!

What else could I discuss about my life right now . . . . . not much, honest. Things are going pretty good. I still have a ton of things that I need to take care of and I will do that as time goes on but I do see that things can become the way that I want someday . . . . I just need to take baby steps and I will get there!

Stolen Post Alert! !

   So, Hannah has her first "Father / Daughter Dance coming up this weekend and last night while working my second job she "texted" me photos of the dress she is going to wear.  It was wonderful to see this and to feel a "part of it all" but . . . it highlighted the very fact that . . . I am really not in so many ways a "part of it".  With working two jobs I am now getting the kids on Saturday and spending just one night with them to only take them home around two on Sunday's.  Of course . . . this is not something that brings me joy but . . . I know it is a necessity and really I have no choice.  The trouble is that it always brings up that internal struggle of . . . how can I be a good dad when I am not there? 

With that in mind, I found an article that I wanted to share.  So - here is "Being a Good Divorced Dad Means Not Giving Up On Your Kids" by Jeffery M. Leving.  I will admit that I pilfered this post from the "Father's Rights Blog" (see link at the bottom). 

Being a good divorced dad means not giving up on your kids

By Jeffery M. Leving

Most divorced fathers want to spend as much time as possible with their children but oftentimes, for a variety of reason, feel they can’t.

Being a “Good Divorced Dad” oftentimes depends on how much time a father is able to commit to their children. It’s one of the topics I address in detail in my new book, which comes out this Spring, “How to be a Good Divorced Dad: Preventing the Divorce Process and Its After effects from Hurting Your Relationship with Your Children.”

Sometimes, the causes that prevent divorced fathers from becoming good dads have to do with the provisions of the divorce agreement, limiting the time they can spend with their children. Other times, the factors involve personal hurt or lack of self-esteem caused by the divorce. You may be a father physically but not in the spirit that allows you to put the strength and time into it that is required.

In many cases, divorced dads accept a restricted role that is often imposed on them by these circumstances.

But you can change that and you can be a great divorced dad who becomes a role model for your children for years to come.

My book walks fathers through the process of identifying the obstacles that prevent divorced fathers from protecting their relationship with their children.

I call them the Seven Deadly Sins of failed divorced fatherhood. They are: the terms of the custody agreement; orders of protection; financial problems; legal trickery; gender bias; guilt; and anger.

In each instance, there is a strategy to improve the amount of time you spend with your children and to improve the quality of that time.

For example, in the case of having to live under the terms of a very restrictive custody agreement, you can become available to your ex-wife to assist her by being there to help with the children. Too often, the personal animosity that results from many divorces prevents this, but your children need you.

You have to watch for opportunities when your ex-spouse will need help with the children and be there to take advantage of the opportunities. And you have to strategically think about how you approach this, not feed into the anger.

You may be hurt about the divorce. Your ex-wife may be a vengeful person. You need to control your own emotions for the benefit of your children. Why allow your former spouse’s anger to impact your relationship with your children?

A good lawyer will also be able to help with the language in your custody agreement to facilitate opportunities to increase contact with your children. They can be built into the agreement.

In each of these challenges you will want to insure that the time spent with your children is quality time. You need to work on that, but there are methods to help you do that. Planning your time with your children will vastly improve the relationship.

Having a competent, experienced attorney at your side will help avoid many of these challenges, such as avoiding an order of protection that is based on false allegations against you. Many father are coerced by guilt and a gender-biased system into believing that they must admit to fault when there is none.

My book has a list of questions divorced dads can answer to help make them stronger and more effective divorced dads. Knowing them. Thinking about them. And answering them will help improve your experience with your children.

The point is don’t give up. Control the process of divorce in order to control your relationship. And make sure your rights are properly represented when you begin the divorce.

(Named one of “America’s Best Lawyers” by Forbes Radio, Jeffery Leving is the author of two ground-breaking books, Fathers’ Rights and Divorce Wars. He can be reached at www.DadsRights.com.)

In all fairness, this article would be best for fathers getting ready for a divorce but . . . it still gives me some hope.  I have always maintained that I don't believe in divorce and still to this day find it destructive and harmful. 

Looking back now on my divorce and thinking about the Seven Deadly Sins of failed divorced fatherhood. They are: the terms of the custody agreement; orders of protection; financial problems; legal trickery; gender bias; guilt; and anger.  I know that I was greatly impacted by not having full financial disclosure prior to and during the divorce and I should have done this.  I also know that, while the term "legal trickery" is a "strong" term . . . it fits once you consider that the "divorce agreement" you signed is not the one that gets "reprinted" and turned into the court and that this one . . . gets mailed to an address that you have not lived at in ten months . . . . call it whatever . . it sure sucked.  Guilt and anger . . . sure.  What man does not feel guilty that he has failed? 

Of all the things that I think I have learned the one that I would share with others is that if your are going to divorce . . . get an attorney.  It's OK to want to be "nice" and work things out by yourself but . . . even with the best of intentions the odds are stacked against you.  Gaining legal disclosure would have helped me so much and would have, I believe, also benefited my relationship with the kids.

Still . . . most of this is my "thoughts and opinions" but the one thing that I know for sure is that Mr. Leving's book can be bought on Amazon for 4.26.  Mine will be here next week . . . . I hope it helps . . . . :-)

http://fatherslegalrights.blogspot.com/

Ready and waiting . . . . without an occupant (yet).

So . . . with just a few days before Ethan's arrival his bedroom is finally finished. Laura and her Mom (Debbie) did a great job with his room - oh, I did paint and move stuff :-). So . . . what is it like? It's pretty cool - and here it is:



Ethan's ceiling . . . with clouds!



The "Bengal Tiger".



The "Meerkat".



Ethan's cradle. (The crib was brought from Germany by Laura's great grandfather and was used as a cradle for her grandfather, father, uncle and even for Laura and her sister Kristi - that's amazing to me).



The "gator" along with the tree.



The "giraffe".

Well - there it is - the room is ready - wonder if Ethan is?

It goes SO fast . . . time that is ?!?

The kids and I did NOTHING . . . . seriously . . . NOTHING . . . . during the weekend (23 - 24 July) and time went so . . . so . . FAST!

We went swimming. Used some more sprinklers. Watched movies and simply stayed near each other but . . . . that's about it.

Knoah decided that he would wake me up early on Sunday (say 4:45 early) and he and I slept the rest of the morning together. The truth was that I didn't sleep - I was to happy to have Knoah sleeping on my chest to sleep. I held his hand, brushed his hair, wiped his face and talked to him about all the things I hope he should know!

Over the weekend we did build a replica of the Wright Brothers Airplane and also played the Wii together . . . but - ya know what? That was it - we just hung out and honest - I would not change it for anything in the whole world!



Jacob Matthew with the "Wright Brother's" plane.

Birthday and a Baby Shower . . .

The weekend (15 - 17 July) started out the normal way - with a long drive and time to talk about mostly nothing. We were lucky on this drive to see a raccoon and spent a few minutes just watching him as he seemed to "play" about 20 yards from the road. Jacob has been getting really good at "seeing" animals as we drive and he even spotted a deer!

Friday was the normal - dinner and a movie. The kids were excited about Saturday as we would be attending a birthday party at ATA Martial Arts for a young friend, Mattisyn who was turning five.

Jacob was a little disappointed that there were younger kids at the party but he perked right up when he saw a few "teenage" girls and (to be honest) Mattisyn's Aunt Emily! Hannah was so excited about trying all of the "karate" stuff that I had so much fun just watching her. Knoah was . . . . Knoah. He wanted to become Mattisyn's helper and seemed to enjoy being a huge attention grabber.



Hannah . . . . enjoying the "karate" class at Mattisyn's birthday party.



Knoah "waiting" in line to go hit the dummy at Mattisyn's birthday party.

We spent the remainder of the day swimming and then playing at home before heading to bed after watching the latest "diary of a whimpy kid, "roddrick rules" movie.

Sunday proved to be a quick start to our day as the we had to eat, take showers and then head to Metamoria, Ohio for a baby shower for Ethan. The kids were wonderful at the shower and I can't express how cool it was to see them be so wonderful. Knoah had a terrific time playing with Mattisyn and Miya.

The shower went wonderful as the kids (and everyone else) got enough to eat and drink.



"Ethan William" - the small cake.



Knoah Franklin - playing "games" at the shower.

After the shower the kids then "hitched" a ride back into Monroe with there Aunt Peg and we finished our weekend - sadly :-(. But - we had a terrific time and it was wonderful to be able to take them out and play.

Amy joined the "27" club and we all lost :-(

I love music and from as early as I can remember I had a passion for female singers. I used to joke that I would give anything to have Toni Braxton, Randi Crawford, Anita Baker or Etta James sing me the phonebook. Over the years the list have grown to include some women with beautiful talent. Today - that list became just a bit shorter with the passing of Amy Winehouse.

It seemed from the beginning the beautiful, talented woman was on a path of destruction and today it seems she has ended her journey. Irrespective of your thoughts or feelings about her music or her public image she was amazingly talented and she will be greatly missed.

It saddens me that Mrs. Winehouse is gone but it is also a not so sutle reminder of that we all to often lose some of the greatest artist at a young age. Ironically, 27 seems to be the "magic" number for many. Twenty-seven is the age that the world lost; Robert Johnson, Brian Jones, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Alan Wilson, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Peter Ham and "Pig Pen" just to name a few.

RIP Mrs. Winehouse and may God Bless your family and friends - we will miss you.

Here is my personal favorite song that I would like to share, "Tears Dry on Their Own" - I doubt the tears caused by today's sad news will dry anytime soon. :-(.

Independence and gone to Hell :-), kinda!

On the climbing rock at Independence Lake.

The kids and I began our weekend (9 - 11th July) in our normal manner - driving! The hour drive each week is SO no fun and with the heat it makes it even worse. If there is anything that could at least make it manageable it is the time to talk and listen to the kids about how they have been doing. The hardest thing about not being with the kids everyday is just that - everyday you miss so many things. As a Dad you miss seeing them get up, have breakfast, lunch, play, dinner and so on. Even though I have them every weekend it is like the kids and I have two separate lives - one with me and one that they have when they are with Mom. I guess that I get that to a degree but the problem for me is that I so miss them when I am not with them and phone calls (of which - Jacob's voicemail is normally not working), text message and even message on facebook are such a hallow way to have a relationship with your children. Most of the time I don't hear from the kids during the time they with their Mom and that is really tough. Sometimes you feel like each visit is a "new starting point". In some way it is like having a wound that never really heals - during the time that we are together things are wonderful but then inevitably once they go to their Mom's it is like having your first girlfriend brake up with you again.

For me the worst part of this has been the "change" in my relationship with the kids. With Knoah there was a time when Knoah and I would get up every morning and he would play Wii Fit as I got ready for work. We would talk, play and most important for me we simply were together. Having witnessed Knoah be taken during a c-section while he was not breathing and then seeing him have two "blue episodes" where he stopped breathing again it has, since that time, given me pause to enjoy every second that I have near him. With Jacob - er . . . He is becoming a "teenager" with all of the opinions, attitude and posture. I know that I am missing being there as an example for him each day and while I try - it's hard not to feel that it is enough. Plus - with Jacob it is really bothering me being unemployed as I am very afraid that he can get the opinion that it is alright for men not to work and support there children - which nothing could be further from the truth. Hannah - I so miss my Princess. She has become much more confrontational with Jacob and she and I have really been talking about how she needs to make sure that she does not blame him or try and start problems with him. It is much more difficult not being near your children than what anyone can ever imagine. I have talked to some friends that I know on facebook that are divorced and see there kids every other weekend and amazingly nobody can answer this question for me: "does it ever get any better, leaving or not being with your children?" So far nobody can give me and answer except that - "oh, you get used to it". I keep praying and hoping that I will but - then I think, I don't want to get used to being away from my children or feeling like we have to re-set our relationship every few days. Some days are harder than others. Not to long ago a girl I went to high school posted this as her "status" ~LIFE MAY NOT LEAD YOU WHERE YOU WANT...BUT HAVE FAITH THAT YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE MEANT TO BE~ and I am honestly making an effort to do that but I keep falling back to this question: "so, I am meant to be away for my kids the majority of the time?" I know that isn't the meaning but - it is really, really, really hard missing your children.

For the weekend we really decided that we would have fun and with the heat we would stay in the water as much as possible. Saturday - once we made it home we spent the afternoon in the pool with Hannah leading the play and Knoah demanding that he gets to be the shark. We then went to Lincoln School park to play for a bit and were fortunate enough to run into a friend of ours, Michelle and her dog Roxie. After a late dinner we watched the new Diary of a Wimpy Kid Movie - "Roddrick Rules" which was actually very funny.

On Sunday we got the kids up early and took them for a really cool surprise as we went to Independence Lake for a day of swimming, play and frolic at the "water park"! The kids were so excited to get into the water and even though Knoah struggled with the water park at first because he hates to have water splash in his face, he adjusted and had so much fun!



Hannah, Me and Knoah in the water at Independence Lake.

Jacob loved playing in the water and we had so much fun tackling each other and playing with the seaweed - the seaweed that the kids thought would look good as a nice "hairstyle" for me!



Knoah playing in the water area at Independence Lake.



Hannah, Knoah and Jacob in the water play area.

After spending nearly six hours outside playing at the Lake we decided to head home. Laura really wanted to go visit "Hell" . . . well, Hell, Michigan that is and so we made the short twenty minute drive to Hell to take in the sights. On purpose, just like going to the lake, this was kept as a surprise from the kids. Earlier in the year we started going through a book called, "Weird Michigan". The book details several sights in Michigan that are unusual and weird. We have went to the sights around us and have been able to read the book before going and then have taken pictures at the sites. Hell (MI) was on page 54 - 55 so . . . there we were - in Hell. Knoah - decided that he would fall asleep and then simply not wake up until we were gone from Hell (maybe he is smarter than the rest of us). But - for Jacob and Hannah it was a great chance to get some pictures and see some neat sites.



Jacob . . . . the Bigfoot!



Hannah . . . . the "Little Devil" . . . .

We ended up getting home late and ended up going straight to bed. The next morning, with Laura off to work, the kids and I spent the remainder of the day together playing Wii, swimming, playing with the turtle and then heading to Monroe to end our time for the weekend. Of course it was great and awesome and everything I wish. Of course - the drive home was the same too except it wasn't so awesome.

What a "sparkling" good weekend. . . . :-)

Being out of work is no fun and sadly some other issues have arisen that maybe way hard to get rid of if not impossible for a long, long, time. I am sure that will come up later but for now - let's just say that "stress" is a normal part of my day.

As this weekend began (2d - 4th of July) the kids and I decided to spend sometime visiting with my parents on the second before heading out to Adrian. This was really wonderful for us to do but the "visit" ended up being nearly the whole day as Jacob wanted to ask a ton of questions about what things were like when I "grew" up. My parents still live in the same house and when I was a kid growing up it was wonderful. We had a creek behind us and Lake Erie is less than a mile away so we were surrounded by fun.

Jacob became fascinated with the creek for some reason on the 2d and wanted to know what all the rocks out in the water were. I explained to him that they were the "left over" dam that we used to build when I was a kid at which point he wanted to know, "how" do you do that. Instead of trying to "explain" it with words I simply decided that we would "build" a dam. This was awesome and so much fun as we caught crayfish, found some freshwater clams and even caught a young trout in my shoe!



While building the dam we also came across a "young friend" in way of a little Raccoon that "stumbled" into the area pretty confused. I was a bit worried about it being rabid so we kept the kids at bay and I was able to get it flushed into a cage. The kids enjoyed seeing it close up but after a while we released it away from the house - safe from danger for both the Raccoon and people.



I was amazed at how quickly 12:00 noon became 7:30 and after a dinner of pizza and a swim we decided that it was time to make the hour drive to Adrian.

The kids were asleep once we arrived so it became an excursion of carrying them in to bed.

The rest of the weekend we spent swimming, playing with "speedy" the turtle, playing the Wii, and simply enjoying each other's company. Knoah was the most excited about holiday with the fireworks and all but it was so much fun to see Jacob and Hannah help Knoah with the sprinklers. Knoah was most exited for the "green" colored sparklers as that still seems to be his favorite color.

Monday afternoon came too quickly for me and taking them to their Mom's was something that I wished I could postpone for a good three or four more weeks - but - guess not :-(. We ended the weekend with a fun cooking class and make a homemade "mac n cheese" pizza that the kids took with them for dinner.

Happy 235th Birthday Amercian and Happy Birthday Laura!

The weekend is not over yet and still it has been filled with some great memories; Building a damn with Jacob, catching crawfish with Hannah, Jacob and Knoah, having a baby Racoon walk up and say hello, catching a pearch in my shoe, swimming with the kids, celebrating Laura's birthday, baking a cake, grilling chicken and of course . . . . fireworks!

235 years ago America declared independance from England. Not even three decades ago Laura was born on this earth - not sure that the two are related but . . . they do share the same date.

So far this holiday has been wonderful and filled with play, excitment and honesty. It's not over yet but I wanted to share some quick thoughts and maybe a photo or two.

God Bless. Happy Birthday Laura and Happy Independance Day America!



Jacob admiring his hard work - the damn you see in the background.



Hannah and her new "love" . . . . . LOL :-)



Knoah Franklin.

. . . . offically scared . . . .

It's now been over ninety-days since I was last employed. This is the longest I have ever been without a job. Truth is that I have NEVER been unemployed for more than two weeks since I was sixteen and stared working at Nortel Lanes bowling alley in Monroe, MI.

As a young man I worked as a caddie during the summer when I was 13 - 15 to make money. Then once I turned sixteen I began working as a stock-boy, "runner" at Nortel Lanes. Since that time I have never not had a job. Even when I left the military in 1992, I found employment within days of leaving.

I have filled out in excess of 150 applications in either hard copy or on line format and while I have had three interviews for positions I have not gotten a job offer.

It is really terrifying because at this point I have exhausted my savings and I feel a bit like a slug. I have not been able to get unemployment at this point.

Wednesday afternoon I was at the unemployment office and I was talking to one of the workers there and expressing to her my frustration. She - very nicely - said to me that yeah - it's frustrating but you have to look at it from the prospective of the employer: "your "middle age" (43), have a lot of experience as a director and as a program coordinator and of course you are on probation as a result of the misdemeanor assault you pled guilty to so many of the employers would rather higher someone half your age for half the money". WOW - it wasn't encouraging but it was honest.

It's crazy - in the last three years America's unemployment rate has not been below seven percent. Not to mention the State of Michigan's rate has remained at or over ten percent for much of that time.

So - I am officially scared. I am trying to be as optimistic as possible but to be honest - each day is a struggle. I know that I have great things in my life to be thankful for and while I am thankful I am also cautious in known that unless I can find or create an opportunity in the very near future . . . . wow . . . like I said, I am scared.



Nortel Lanes:

http://www.bowlnortel.com/

Bureau of Labor Statistics:

http://data.bls.gov/timeseries/LNS14000000

Information on my Termination from the ALCC in Monroe:

http://monroetalks.com/forum/index.php?topic=7812.0