Saturday, April 18, 2015

For the last time . . . .

Over the last few years things for me professionally have be very difficult.  There are tons of reasons why and sometimes I feel like I am fighting a horrible losing battle to "fix" things.  It's hard when I think about just a few years ago I was in a very good position financially and professionally.  As a man it's sometimes debilitating when you're alone and think about how you are unable to do the things you want for your children.  You sometimes feel worthless and oftentimes begin to question yourself.  Being depressed about it is a daily occurrence  and fighting off those feelings to ensure you don't bring down those around is a task that consumes you hour by hour and minute by minute.  You feel minimized, You feel small.  You feel like a failure.  

But sometimes you are reminded of the good that you have and that you must count your blessings.  I have the greatest woman in the world in Laura.  She is sincere, loving, beautiful, supportive, helpful, insightful, happy, playful, talented and most of all the owner of my heart.  

I also know that I have five of the most wonderful children on this earth.  They are amazingly smart, funny, helpful, respectful and loving.  It's difficult to be a "stay at home Dad".  You feel "less" even though you are with your children daily.  To find the balance is hard.  

Last week I took the physical test for a job that I greatly want and will hopefully find out soon if I have been selected.  I want this position as much as I have ever wanted any job.  Being honest I know that it's not the "dream job" that I would love to have but I know that job will never occur for me again.  Yet I know that I need this position as it is stable and has wonderful pay and benefits.   I also know that if I am awarded the position I will miss out on seeing Ethan and Ian daily and that will be a loss.  

Laura shared this poem with me and I have been reading it over and over.  It has impacted me more than anything has in a long time and reminded me to keep in mind that while I am struggling professionally, I am a father and I love my children more than I love air itself.  
"The Last Time"  
From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before, 
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.

You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.
But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed
your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.
One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.
One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.
The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.
So while you are living in these times, remember there are only so many of them and when they are gone, you will year for just one more day of them.  For one last time.  
-Author Unknown-
You can also find this poem at My Kids Time (blog).

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